Please turn up the volume on your computer for this.
This is not a fun, "let me show you my family beach pictures" kind of post. For the most part, I have tried to stay away from deep, serious ,Spirit filled posts. I have noticed on some blogs that I read, it can tend to cause unwanted assumptions to arise, and most often, the intention, or the heart of the writer is completely overlooked or misread. I ALSO have to say that I am not typing these words. The Spirit of the Sovereign God has pressed on me a message to share, and it seems He is unwilling to let me sleep until I do.
I had a boil lanced under my armpit today. I am extremely tired. I am in a lot of pain. Thank you, my dear friend Michelle Perry, for letting me almost fracture your hand bones by squeezing them so tight, and for constantly reminding me to "just look at you and breathe" and for putting the cold towel on my head to keep me from passing out. On that note, which I will come back to, I want to share this story and song with anyone the Lord leads to them.
My Sister in law, "aunt Jen-Jen", is a solid rock. In my eyes (which I don't get to see her as much as would like), her faith never seems to waiver. She is constant. She, along with my brother, has had to endure some things the last two days and the last few months that have left me with no words. Jen became pregnant around Easter, and with reasons I will leave for her to tell, discovered some problems that would soon end the life of the little one. After surgically repairing some of those issues, they became pregnant again a few weeks ago and lost the new baby again yesterday.
I sit here in a house full of noise from the soon to be teenagers running around like toddlers. My feet are propped up, and I am in my own special room with all the comforts you can imagine. My life is smooth right now. Aside from the daily grind of everyday life, I have it good. Yet with all these "comforts", my heart is so heavy and I feel naked and poor . I might as well be Job.
I struggle with guilt. I always have. I do not know the root. I have never truly been able to enjoy life's "pleasures". When I have an abundance of friends around me, I can never bask in the goodness of what God is allowing me to experience. I am always worrying about who is getting left out. Or in the case of our sister, who has to endure daily the physical and emotional demands of caring for a special needs child, and I wonder daily, while I am on vacation, while I am shopping or sitting at a ballgame watching my children in perfect health, I wonder, why not me? I know our other sister who is carrying a seemingly healthy baby struggles with the guilt and Why? It is ridiculous, I know. I know my sister feels the same longing of why bad things happen to good people? Why?...I do not know.
I KNOW THIS to be true-As Iwrestled to shut my mind down tonight, DESPERATELY trying to figure out what to say to Jennifer and my brother,or my sister who wants also to know "Why?" No poignant words or eloquent thoughts come to share. No "words", but a song. A song, and a memory of my friend, Michelle, standing beside me today,holding my hand and saying, "Just look at me and breathe".
So, whoever you are reading this blog-do you need to just look at HIM and BREATHE?
HE is waiting to put a cold rag on your head to keep you from falling. I DO KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. I DO KNOW that until we are completely emptied of ourselves, it is not until then we can truly need HIM. And whatever that takes... if we are true of our commitment to walk with HIM, He will pursue us.
I do not know why, but I know this...
THIS IS THE AIR I BREATH E
YOUR HOLY PRESENCE
LIVING IN ME
THIS IS MY DAILY BREAD
YOUR VERY WORDS
SPOKEN TO ME!!!
I 'M DESPERATE FOR YOU
AND I, I'M LOST WITHOUT YOU
THIS IS THE AIR I BREATHE
YOUR HOLY PRESENCE
LIVING IN ME...
sorry for the lengthy post. Hope you are blessed with a Spirit of breath and a longing for the only answer I HAVE BEEN GIVEN to "Why?"
Yes, It has been too long since I have posted. It has been a busy time at the Royster house. First things first. Peyton turned 13 November 24th! It seems like yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital! I know, everyone loves their kids and are "proud" of them. I have to say this child is extra special. The joy he brings into my life cannot be put into words. He has the kindest heart and all the ladies love him! Who on earth will ever deserve him for a husband? I am officially setting the bar high right here and now. I am a force to be reckoned with, future prospects-you can count on it. More to come soon...
